…Yesterday I was feeling perplexed, and slightly distressed. I am getting to the root of some areas in my life that God has been working on within me. I think if we are honest with ourselves, we all have issues. I see hang ups in myself; snags here and there. Yet these last few days I have seen them clearly for what they are and I am humbled.
This may get a little messy, but right now my heart feels a little messy. So if you want roses and cinnamon rolls you might need to come back tomorrow, or in a few days.
I have a wonderful husband. And yesterday while I considered myself considerably, he gave me space to do so. I wish in this moment that hundreds of young men read my blog so they can have a good example of what an amazing husband is.
When Sam realized that I was in a funk he felt me out to see if it was a talking issue, a quiet issue, a space issue, a hormonal issue. He was gentle and kind and ready to be any of the things that I might need him to be. He was ready with a life line. It is for this reason and many more that he is my best friend.
Our family is strong and healthy. The Lord supplies all our needs. We live in a nice place with air conditioning. Our family loves us and there is no discord or strife. We have good jobs that value us as employees. We have good friends who would give us the shirts off their backs if we asked for them (well in this heat they would probably be more than willing). We love the Lord and seek him daily. I could start another list of all the awful things I know are going on in the world right now and how I am blessed to not have those to contend with.
So in the grand scheme of life and eternity my problem is basic.
I care what people think of me.
I realized very recently (yesterday) this is the root of the majority of my issues. What people might think of me determines how I act, what I wear, what I eat, how I parent, and once upon a time determined how I worshiped. Presently it determines a lot for me.
I will tell you the root of my problem is Pride. I can tell you that I have cared more about what people think of me than what God thinks of me. I can tell you that I have cared more about what people think, than what my husband thinks. I can tell you that right now I am in the process of break down.
I want to be humble...but I don't want to be humbled. I am not a very humble person. In fact, I have offended more than a few people with my strong opinions. Opinions that really end up being putdowns instead of buildups.
For the last year I have been zealous about the food I consume, but the food I consume has consumed me. Body image has become such an intense focus of mine that I have been fighting with my flesh to keep it skinny and keep it fit. Now don't get me wrong, I think it is good to be healthy. But there is a ditch on either side of the road as in almost every opinion or area in life. I have been living in an extreme. I count calories, I exercise rigorously, I deprive myself of treats daily, sometimes I lose my willpower and binge only to feel like crap that the food defeated me. 'Just you wait till tomorrow food, I'll show you! I am in control!'
Yesterday I was standing looking at myself in the mirror putting on my makeup to get ready for church and I started to dig into the root of my past years struggle. Why am I trying so hard to be thin? Then the answer came to me. I am afraid of what people will think when if I gain the weight back, that I let myself go. Conceited...vain...prideful.
Here is the ugly truth. I never eat what my family eats. You can ask Sam or Colby. I often eat something totally different and free of fat and in my mind guilt. If I eat salad I eat it without dressing and if I use dressing I dip my fork in it so that I get only a little bit. I get lots of vegetables without butter. Robin pointed out in Washington that I could offend people because I was snobby with what I ate. I wouldn't eat what she was cooking because she put lots of butter in it. I was a butter snob. I eat plain yogurt, I don't eat meat, I will make a meal for guests and not eat what I am serving. How weird is that?
I have been a big food snob, and fellowship weirdo. I realized the significance of this yesterday when we were going to meet some friends for lunch when Sam informed me that we were going to Taco Bell. I felt ill. "There is nothing there I can eat!" I exclaimed and pouted. So while everyone ate Taco Bell I walked to Subway. Food snob. My pride is my embarrassment.
You are probably embarrassed for me right now too.
You are probably embarrassed for me right now too.
I care about what people think of how clean my house is, how fit my body is, how nice my face looks, how good the food I cook is. I am getting in God's word, and I have been praying that God will search me and know me and know my thoughts and that if there is any wicked way in me (surely not, I am super cool of course and bring him oodles of joy) that he will lead me in HIS way everlasting. He made short work of this prayer, and I hit the mother-load.
Here is my other epiphany that I feel God has let me see through all this. Sam could care less if I am thin, he could care less if our house is immaculate, he could care less if we are eating gourmet home cooked meals, he could care less about if my makeup is perfect and I smell like flowers...he doesn't need a Stepford Wife. Sam like God wants me. He wants my attention. He wants me to take a break for 5 minutes and sit on the couch next to him. I am usually too busy fluttering about making sure that things are perfect when they can never be perfect, especially with two toddlers! I have been focusing on things that will wilt and die. What matters most?
Heavenly Father. Thank you for answering my prayer. This time with you has rocked my world, and I will never be the same. I never want to be the same. Thank you for taking a mirror out and showing me my prideful ways. I don't know how to get to humble, so I am going to do baby steps, and I pray that you will continue to show me what your desire is for my life. I am so sorry for anyone who I may have been rude to through my pride. I am sorry for my actions, my attitude, my focus being fixed on my flesh. Thank you for your words of inspiration that you brought to my memory. They are so good.
Let me share with you real quick where God brought me so that I could see all this. Lets first start with David's prayer in Psalms that I have been praying for myself. And here is the prideful part, I didn't think God would find anything. EEEEKKK, I feel really stupid as I type that.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting! Psalms 139: 23-24
I prayed this prayer and God answered.
He answered in a peculiar way. It started Friday with our new friends. I won't go into great detail but I see my pride in appearances.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external--the braiding of air and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear--but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty o f a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1st Peter 3:1-4
OOoooo, Oooo, I want to be precious in God's sight! I want to be gentle and quiet in spirit. I am loud and obnoxious.
For you husbands there is a scripture that follows this in 1st Peter that is a goodie.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1st Peter 3: 7
I am getting broken down. Thank goodness.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51: 17
For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit. To revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite." Isaiah 57:15
And thus says the LORD: "Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be," declares the LORD. "But this is the one whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word."
All I can say now is Yes; Yes and amen.