The Fake out and the Fallout

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. JER 29:11

I have been feeling tired lately.  I chalked it up to staying up all night in excruciating pain after dislocating my shoulder Sunday night while arranging the blankets on the bed… but a little test told me otherwise.

I have been steadily gaining a few pounds this last month or so to my chagrin. I figured I needed to run a little bit more and keep active, and pay better attention to how many delightfully delicious white chocolate chips I am snacking on… but a little test told me otherwise.

Every time I saw a pregnant lady or a little precious baby I would think ‘awwww… I just want to pinch that chubby little cheek!’ (Baby, not the pregnant lady, I might get smacked!).  I decided I just missed the ‘full’ feeling of being pregnant, and the squishy softness of a baby’s skin… but a little test told me otherwise.

Because of my polycystic ovarian syndrome and not having the normal indicators that one may or may not be pregnant, I occasionally (just to be 100% sure) take a pregnancy test.  So last night when we were at Target I picked up a two pack… never know when you might need a spare.  Last night I needed a spare.

We came home and I picked up around the house while Sam laid the little boys down to bed and the pink Accu-clear test caught my eye.  So I casually walked into the bathroom, and took the test.  I washed my hands, and checked my facebook on my cell phone, not expecting more than the usual one line negative.  I have taken many of these tests over the last several years.  Oh snap…two lines.

Everything made so much sense.  I stood there staring for a while, not moving, just staring and then in a daze with arms tingling, mind racing, I walked into the living room.  Sam was walking toward me and I said, “We’re going to have another baby.”  No exclamation here because I didn’t shout it, or exclaim it…I just said it.

Sam is wonderful.  Sam hugged me and said, “Congratulations, I thought you were.”  He didn’t even know that I had bought a test, let alone was taking one at random.  We sat up for the next 10 minutes talking about all the reasons this made ‘so much sense!’  And how we were going to tell the family, and in that moment Sam decided that he needed to buy a minivan.  LOL.

I told 1 friend.  I gave myself only 1 friend to tell, because if I didn’t, I was likely to burst.

About 20 minutes after the first test I decided it would be wise to make use of that second test.  Second test…two lines.  ‘Snapdizzle, family of five.’  Now I was really going to need that family cart at Target.

It was then that I glanced down at the empty pregnancy box in the waste can that I saw this…

Not two lines like any other test I had EVER taken…no, positive for this test was a plus sign on one side and a minus sign on one side.  I looked at both my tests, just two lines for each.  Negative.  The test assured me of one thing...but a little box told me otherwise.

I can’t say I was relieved.  I can say that I was sad.  I felt tricked.  I felt robbed of all my happy good ‘baby on the way’ future dreamin’ moments that I had just enjoyed.  And I felt robbed that I just munched on a bunch of delightfully delicious white chocolate chips, thinking that they didn’t matter anymore.

Sam and I realized two things last night.  A) We both want more children.  We already knew that, but we have a few years before we were going to put real effort into it, and at this point this has not changed.  B) Reading directions is important.

I will tell you that before I took the test I prayed that God would not give us more than we could handle…so he knows the timing is not perfect yet.  So we will be patient.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

Xoxo

Ronda (ever humbled)